HERE COMES D JUDGE!

Life with Barbara

HERE COMES D JUDGE!

William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"
"Who cares? Just get out."

The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And - the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . .

ONE -I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO -My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE -I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR -Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE -All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX -If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN -It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT -I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
NINE -It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. TEN -Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
ELEVEN -If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
TWELVE -When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
THIRTEEN -It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
FOURTEEN -The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
FIFTEEN -These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.
"I won 5 out of 20 races" said the first horse.
"Oh yea! I won 15 out of my 30" said the second.
"Hah! I won 50 out of 60" said the third.
Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the
conversation. He steps into view and says. "Well I won 99 out of 100
of my races"
The third horse looks at the second horse and says "WOW!!...A talking
dog!"

Friend
I cannot ease your aching heart,
Nor take your pain away,
But let me stay and take your hand
And walk with you today!
I'll listen when you need to talk;
I'll wipe away your tears
I'll share your worries when they come;
I'll help you face your fears.
I'm here and I will stand by you,
Each hill you have to climb,
So take my hand, let's face the world;
Live one day at a time!
You're not alone, for I'm still here.
I'll go that extra mile,
And when your grief is easier,
I'll help you learn to smile!

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do
the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"
she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he
would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A burglar alarm goes off in the middle of the night, and the
police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was
leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge. "Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied the crook. "A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?" "What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get reliable help these days?"

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come
upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and
throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a
wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down
into the well.
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims,
"Wow, it WORKS!"

Not every truth is the better for showing its face undisguised; and often silence is the wisest thing for a man to heed.~ Pindar